Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
