So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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