Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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