dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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