My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There are leaves in my underwear?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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