how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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