Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
