used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
