theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
