you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
