Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
