dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she peed on how many people?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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