I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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