I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You made out with two different species that night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
