Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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