I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
FUCK WHALES
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
