2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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