Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
