Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
