Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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