I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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