Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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