Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
