As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
