I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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