Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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