so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
