I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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