please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
