Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
