no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
