My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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