she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
