Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
