When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
