Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
