drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
