he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am midnight drunk by noon
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
