You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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