I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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