life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
