Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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