My liver just broke up with me...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
