I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
