He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
