I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
