Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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