I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
