I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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