The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
