Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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