Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
